Thursday, June 15, 2006

Y's Tips for Losing Weight


Here are a couple of tips for those of you trying to lose weight:

1. Look at yourself naked in a mirror, under fluorescent lights if possible.

I was checking out my Adonis-like bod last night and I realized that I no longer resemble a chiseled Greek God, but rather more like a hairy pregnant woman... with B cups. Having this kind of experience will either induce you to suicide or motivate you to work out and eat better. Often you may require multiple exposures to this sight in order to gain sufficient motivation.

2. Run wherever you go. For fun, scream and flail your arms about too.

I park at a ramp a couple of blocks from work and I usually have to go back to plug the meter once or twice a day. Several times during the week I go out to lunch, run an errand, go to the Post Office, or something like that. During each of these trips I actually run or jog from start to finish. That is unless it's insanely hot out, in which case I just kind of ooze from place to place.
For extra fun and amusement, while running from place to place scream and flail your arms about. You'll get loads of attention and may even pick up some people chasing you. This will help you keep up your pace.
For a dangerous twinge, hurl insults and racial remarks to those around you. The crowd chasing you then will certainly keep you going the distance.

3. Put down the soda and step away slowly.

Soda, pop, colored and flavored carbonated sugar water, whatever a drug by any other name is just as bad for you. Seriously, I see people treat pop like its goddamned crack. If you're thirsty get a fucking glass of water. Seriously people soda isn't water its sole purpose is to be used in mixing drinks with vodka, whiskey, rum, and sometimes all three.

4. "Stop eating so damn much, fattie."

Say this phrase to yourself three times before you eat anything. You can substitute "fattie" with "lard-ass" if that helps more. This doesn't directly help your self-esteem, but thats not what Im talking about today.

5. Every time you get hungry, have a drink instead.

A lot of people refer to something called a "Water Diet." I guess that's where you drink lots and lots of water in order to assuage your hunger. I say every time you get hungry, have vodka instead. Vodka with lemon or lime would be a good idea to make sure you get that all important serving of fruit in.

6. Addict yourself to crack, cocaine, speed, heroin, or just about any other narcotic.

Hey, it's how all the cool Hollywood chicks are doing it. You may have to deal with the fact that your bones pierce your skin and you pass out from time to time, but that just adds to the fun.

7. Learn to love yourself as you are, you vain bastards.

Seriously unless you're actually obese, don't worry about it so much. I guess if you're single and trying to pick up women/men/both, then I suppose you'd want to get in shape. Honestly though, a good attitude, a good sense of humor, and a good wardrobe should get you where you want to be. Either that or ply your dates with vodka, lots and lots of vodka.

1 comment:

Paul's Psychotic Passages Pics & Passions said...

Don told me I should follow and read this. I advocate #6 whole heartedly. Pharmacologically it makes sense. I mean, cocaine and aampetamines target all the same receptors. What is in diet pill? Amphetamines. Heroin works differently. You just shoot up and that's all you ever do. It makes you forget about eating, living, breathing even.